As a disclaimer, the PRIDE skills described in this series are not my own ideas but that of Sheila Eyberg, Ph.D. and Beverly Funderburk, Ph.D. More information can be found at www.pcit.org (https://www.pcit.org/resourceshandouts.html)
This section of PRIDE skills is directed towards 2-6 year olds but provides an important underlying foundation to the sections that describe how to use PRIDE skills with older children. Please continue to read.
Most of us are aware that kids need to hear that they are doing a good job. Having the approval of a person the child esteems is so validating. It’s good to say, “Good job.” It’s more effective to say, “Good job putting your toys away.”
It’s good to say, “Good job.” It’s more effective to say, “Good job putting your toys away.”
What I mean is that you will see your child begin to pick up their toys more often and with less effort on your part if you are consistently telling them that putting their toys away is a good thing. Children are looking for the approval of their parents or caregivers all the time. It may start off slow at first but if you make a habit out of it, kids will become familiar with the praise and want more of it.
Praising your child in this way is called a labeled praise as opposed to an unlabeled praise like “good job”. Keep in mind that children at this stage are concrete thinkers and respond better when ideas and directions are laid out plainly before them. Sometimes it can take 2 weeks or more to build up the value for a parent’s attention in a child’s heart but it often happens much more quickly.
Being quick to give labeled praises provides instant feedback to individuals who require it. Preschoolers don’t keep information in the front of their mind for very long. It’s not necessary to be perfect but the more you do it, the sooner you’ll see a child’s attention turn towards what you want them to be thinking about. If they are thinking about picking up, they’ll clean up after themselves. If they’re thinking about sharing, they’ll share more.
This is a concept that media has understood for decades. You don’t have to tell people what to think or believe, you just need to tell them what to think about. Undoubtedly, media has played an influential part in our world for centuries (study the impact of newspapers on the American revolution, fascinating). If you want to shape your child’s behavior, you don’t have to tell them what to do, you just have to get them to think about it. Giving labeled praises is the most effective tool I know to accomplish this goal.
Finding ways to praise my kids in a specific fashion has made me a better parent because it forced me to look for the good things my kids are doing and concentrate on that. I have learned to praise behaviors like:
- Picking up (any and every time it happens whether I’ve told them to or not)
- Sharing toys or snacks
- Using please and thank you
- Walking beside me in a store
- Sitting beside me at a table
- Working hard/persistence (any small effort can be praised and they’ll do it more)
- Creative ideas
- Hugs
I have learned to use these phrases to praise behaviors because “good job” and “great job” get monotonous after 5 minutes:
- That was a smart way to…
- What a creative way to…
- Thank you for…
- I’m proud of you for…
The next post talks about how to use reflections, or summary statements of what the child has just said, to let your child know that your paying attention and facilitate growth in verbal skills.
Go enjoy your kids!