This series is all about calling out the good you see in your child over the negatives. We all know that kids are not perfect and need to be taught how to care for others. Hebrews 12:5b-6 quotes Proverbs 3:11-12 to say, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Clearly, loving parents take on the problems they see in their children.
Discipline and correction are important but they need to be used much less than encouragement and affirmation. We know that God disciplines but Pslams 145:8-9 tells us, “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” Clearly, God is not all about discipline or all about praise but a blend of both.
So how much correction and how much affirmation do people need? My experience tells me that most people spend too much time on one or the other and struggle to find the right balance. I think we need to start by asking what’s more important to us, righteousness or relationship? If it is about doing things right, then correct. If it is about being together, then affirm.
So are we here to be perfect or to be together? If you ask me, God did not establish a relationship with us so that we would be righteous, He gave us righteousness so that He could have a relationship with us. Because of what He has done, we are free to enjoy Him and His Creation.
People everywhere, not just children, need to be reminded often of what they were created to do. This is an important point of emphasis, we are calling out who they were made to be. Can people do wonderful things, yes, because of what has been given to them and done for them.
“Give 5 positives for every negative.”
When I was coming up in my career working with kids it stood out to me how many times I heard this phrase, “Give 5 positives for every negative.” This works out to affirming roughly 80% of the time as opposed to correcting 20%. That’s not easy to do so you need to attack the problem from two sides.
First, limit the amount of corrections and directions you give throughout the day. This idea deserves its own post which is on its way. So just briefly, keep in mind that it is easy to say no and attempt to control as many aspects of the day and the house as possible. Resist that temptation. Control is not your friend as a parent. It’s so hard because there are SO many things to monitor as a modern day parent but most of what we want to control can be released.
Second, and more important, we need to train ourselves to look for the impression of God on our children. Spend time looking for it. In the face of things that obviously need to be corrected, call out the aspect of your child’s behavior that is positive. Again, they will repeat what they receive praise for. The more you praise it, the more they do it and the less they do the things we don’t want them to do.
In conclusion, take a day and me mindful of your balance between correction and affirmation. Mindfulness alone can be a game changer! Ask yourself what message your kids heard most today? Ask the Lord how he sees your kids and write it down, talk about it, and speak it over them! Your words bring LIFE to your kids! Enjoy the results.