Connection describes the starting point of every relationship. It is that point when a bond is made and a relationship is formed. Dree and I have seen a lot of intense connection lately between newborns and their parents! We love being around new parents and the conversations always hit on the familiar theme, “I can’t believe how much I love this child!” What a beautiful, powerful connection.
The bond between parent and child is often viewed as something primarily carried by the adult. “Caregivers do the work because infants are unable to do much of anything.” But let’s take a quick look at what they can do. Although there’s lots of development left to happen, babies can see, smell, taste, feel, and hear. They can also experience emotions and that’s where things get interesting.
All new stimuli from any of the five senses are sent to the emotional processing center of the brain. There, the brain determines if a fear response like fight, flight, or freeze is necessary. When that baby is born, all of it is new. Their first experience in life is an introduction to fear and they are immediately looking for something that can bring them back to the comfort that they have known so far in the womb.
To the rescue come the parents to swaddle, hold close, and keep warm. At this point babies attach to their caregiver because they can provide what the baby can’t attain on their own. This is an idea first made famous by John Bowlby in his collection of essays called A Secure Base. As you begin to unravel all the details of what’s going on, it becomes more apparent that much of this initial connection is done by the newborn. Amazing!
The foundation created in those first moments of life can, and most often does, create a base for children to explore the world around them. In the beginning it’s not much more than passively experiencing the world and eighteen years later they are going out into the world to make it a better place.
That connection gives parents an incredible place to begin. Buy-in is vital when trying to get people to jump on board with a vision. Although they can’t put any words to it, babies are bought in! They believe in who their parents are, for better or worse. Often times I hear kids express the sentiment that their mom is the most beautiful woman in the world and their dad is the strongest man in the world. For example, when my middle child was only 6, she said, “I think daddy could pick up the side of the house.” My thought was, “You believe that as long as possible baby girl.” Obviously, she learned this wasn’t true by age 10.
These are the things that make the attention of parents and caregivers so valuable. We can use the connection with the children we care for to help focus their attention on the behaviors hoped for. In our post on correction, I’ll give an overview of how to redirect your child’s behaviors. Just remember that it is best if CONNECTION proceeds correction!